call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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