Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Drake has all the answers
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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