I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
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So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
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I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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