my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
so much tequila, so little girl.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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