As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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