Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
