I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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