Buhtt sex?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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