A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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