The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I fill condoms, not promises.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
