Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Panties = found
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