The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
