I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
