Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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