I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
