the condom got lost in my hair
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
