I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
