If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
