why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
