Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
a search helicopter?!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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