my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
