Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I believe in your delicious
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
