I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
