Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
