I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize