Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
