We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
