Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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