He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
