I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I will be naked everywhere
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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