I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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