im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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