I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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