you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
50% drunk capacity currently
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
