I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
