Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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