I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
