i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
