I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
