just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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