Ambien. No doubt about it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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