he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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