I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
