It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
