I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
