I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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