I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
