You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you inspire me to be a worse person
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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