i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
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Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize