I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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