I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
