im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
