he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
