You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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