i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
