I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
