I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Your penis caused this!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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